Sunrise, Sunset

Photo from Pioneer Woman

Does everyone remember the movie City of Angels, starring Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage? You know, charming chick flick where a young, hotshot heart doctor hooks up with an angel of death...I thought you'd remember. We all learned a valuable lesson too, that no matter how exhilarating it feels, never NEVER never ride your bike in the middle of the road with your arms spread wide and eyes closed. I don't care if an angel just gave up immortality to be with you...but I digress...

There is a scene in the movie where the angels gather on the beach at dawn to hear the sunrise. That's right hear the sunrise. Something about that idea has always captured my imagination and I was reminded of it again on the morning of Christmas Eve, driving to the grocery store. Cedric had awoken around 6AM and I needed a few things for the family get together and figured we would beat the crowds. You might not have seen the sunrise that morning - you may have been warm and snug in your bed but let me tell you, you missed something amazing. The moon was full, Mars was out and brilliantly red and as the rose and gold of early sunshine pushed back the night I found myself believing that there was music behind such beauty. My heart ached to be able to hear it. Doesn't it seem like something God would do, compose a score for the sunrise that only Heaven and angels could enjoy? I can say that a sunrise is beautiful and God smiles at the understatement.

Driving to my parents for Christmas, Zach and I were able to watch the sunset together. I was struck at how we could be in a car driving 70+ miles an hour and come no where close to keeping pace with the sun and we were soon watching stars come out. Zach thinks that if you were in the desert, driving a very fast sports car, and the interstate was closed you might be able to keep up with the sun as it set. I'm not sure why, but the image of the Earth spinning like mad as it orbited the Sun flashed in my mind. It made me feel small and insignificant compared to the enormity and complexity of space. Oddly, its a comforting feeling. My problems seem so small in the grand scheme of things, yet God still loves me enough to take care of me, little old me, never mind keeping the cosmos in balance and cuing the music for another sunrise...

Having Fun

So I was putting away clothes that Cedric has already outgrown in his closet...the pile is getting quite large since he is starting to outgrow his 3-6 months outfits. Anyway, I noticed the Ocean Wonders Kick and Crawl, still in the box and decided to pull it out. Its a great toy for Cedric because he loves waving his arms about and now such waving moves the toys that hang down...much to his surprise and enjoyment.

Sleep and Sacrifice

Well Cedric and I are 10 weeks into the process going from life in the womb to fully functional person and its time for an update. The two biggest things that I've been grappling with are sleep and dealing with the reality of having a baby.

Let's start with sleep because its what everyone seems to be asking me about. "Is he sleeping through the night?" Is the question I get asked all the time. The short answer is no, he is not. But I never thought such an innocuous question would irk me so much. I realize that when people who do not have kids ask me this, its their way of making conversation. They know that babies have a reputation for not sleeping and its their way of showing concern. Much they same way that people ask you "How are you doing?" And in the same way that most of us would respond either "Fine, thanks. How are you?" or "You're never going to believe what happened...." People who don't have kids usually just want to hear that its also fine when it comes to sleeping. I'm not sure what to make of it when other parents ask if Cedric is sleeping through the night. The child is only 10 weeks old, why would anyone who has had kids think that he is even close to sleeping through the night? But I must keep in mind that my definition of "sleeping through the night" is different than others'. To me, sleeping through the night means 8-10 hours of consecutive sleep. I hear that some parents will count a 5 hour stretch when it is dark as "sleeping through the night." My words to those parents, is that you're kidding yourself. If you are getting up in the night to feed, comfort, or change your baby you are not sleeping through the night. So when parents ask about Cedric's night time sleeping I've become unsure how to respond because it feels like its become a competition or a judge of parenting skills. Or maybe its because I'm still desperately waiting for Cedric to sleep in consistent 5 hour blocks at night that sleep has become a sore spot for me. Or I could just be moody because last night I never got more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep.

But enough about sleep...on to sacrifice!

Two weekends ago was the UMR 35th CCF alumni reunion. Zach and I attended and brought Cedric with us. Zach got to spend most of the evening with old CCF'ers talking, eating and reminiscing. I spent most of the evening in a dark nursery feeding Cedric, comforting him because he was very overstimulated and trying to get him to fall asleep. Before that though we had gone to visit our old campus minister Allen and his family. It was really great to see Allen and he seems to be doing well at home. His fancy wheelchair was pretty cool and I think he is making amazing progress since the accident. While we were there I needed to feed Cedric, which I did in their daughter's room. After eating a fabulous meal a la Mom, it was necessary to change his diaper where I proceeded to experience the worst blowout of my entire life! Poop had literally exploded out of the back of his diaper, up his back and out of the neck of his shirt. It was horrible! Zach came to my rescue with fresh clothes but there was nothing we could do to hide the poop on the bead spread. I wiped it up the best I could but I had to tell Chrissy and even though she was so sweet and understanding, I couldn't help but be utterly mortified. Chrissy made the remark that when Lilly, her daughter, was that little there were many times that she felt like she had sacrificed her life on the alter of the changing table. She said it with a smile which gives me hope, because those words were like a soothing balm to my soul. It was so comforting to hear affirmation that motherhood is a tough profession.

But I would be remiss if I didn't say that I do love being a mom and most of the time Cedric and I have a lot of fun together. Watching him grow and change is something truly extraordinary and most of my struggles come from ignorance rather than him being a "bad baby."

Here are Cedric's stats from his 2 month checkup.
Height: 24 3/4 inches long (95th percentile)
Weight: 16 lbs (97th percentile)

What’s In a Name?

A surprising number of people have expressed interest in the name Cedric and why we chose it for our firstborn son. Cedric is not a common name and I think that some explanation will help those who might be scratching their heads' over the name.

According to Behind the Name, Cedric, pronounced SED-rik, was actually invented by Sir Walter Scott for a character in the novel Ivanhoe. Some speculate that it could be based off of Cerdic, the legendary founder of the kingdom of Wessex. Though the name really doesn't mean anything because its made up, I have seen various sites and books give name meanings for Cedric of battle chieftan, lord of wars, and founder. Though some have given the name origins as Welsh, its really English, again because it was created by Sir Walter Scott.
Some famous Cedrics...well there is Cedric the character in Ivanhoe, Cedric Diggory of Harry Potter fame, and Cedric the Entertainer. So despite what people have said, Cedric is not a "black" name. I would say that with the exception of Cedric the Entertainer, its about as WASPish a name as they come.

But the reason why I like Cedric so much is that it brings to mind a lot of attributes that I hope and pray for my son to have. Bravery, loyalty, leadership, love and joy are some of the things that I think of when I think of Cedric. The name actually conjures up images that remind me of King David and I hope that it is a name that my son will love and never be embarrassed by because its "different."
And last of all, the name just flat out fits him. If you think of a baby battle chieftan wouldn't you imagine someone like this....

3 Week Milestones

Today marks Cedric's third week of life outside of the womb. Zach and I are feeling more like "parents." The first couple of days we definitely shared the feeling that any minute the real parents would show up and thank us for doing such a good job and take over from here.

Cedric's two week pediatrician visit went well. He now weighs 11lbs 4oz and his head is 38cm. I apologize because I forget how long the doctor said he was...but it was longer than his birth length (22.5 inches). So far he's a healthy, happy and fat baby.

My first OBGYN visit since having Cedric was a bit more exciting. I've lost 30lbs so far, which is pretty encouraging I've got to tell you. The next 20 make take awhile to loose but somehow it doesn't seem as daunting. The nurse practitioner that I saw recommended that I buy a girdle. To which my response was "They still make girdles?" I decided to try Elisa's recommendation and try Spanx instead. The NP also reassured me that when I was done having kids I could have a tummy tuck and everything would be all better again. Now the Laura of a few years ago would have turned her nose up at the mere mention of cosmetic surgery - but post-natal Laura found the suggestion reassuring. I'm not really sure how to explain the change of heart. Perhaps my vanity runs deeper than I thought.

A Week in Review

Well its been a week since Cedric entered the world and needless to say that for all involved the world seems to have changed quite a bit. Having a c-section was almost a surreal experience. When they were delivering Cedric I could feel a vague tugging and pulling sensation but it was a kind of out of body experience. I knew I was cut open because of the comments my doctor was making. Things like "Look at the size of his head! I'm going to need some suction here." "This baby looks like he is two months old!" All in all though the c-section was not too bad. My recovery from surgery has gone really well. Yesterday I actually walked a mile. Yes I took it slow and yes I've been good (mostly) about taking it "easy" but it felt wonderful to be out of the house and moving around.

I know other parents can relate to some of the changes that happen to you when you have a baby but I am amazed at how nothing Cedric does (so far) is gross. For instance I have lived most of my 27 years firmly believing that bodily functions and really just about anything that comes out of our bodies' while necessary is gross. But when Cedric poops its not gross - I'm pleased because it means his body is functioning like it should. When he utters a particularly loud burp, my heart skips a beat with pride. Even Zach has fallen victim to this. Cedric has twice now managed to throw up massively all over him and both times Zach is completely nonplussed. His first reaction is concern over Cedric, not about how he is now covered in what looks like curdled milk.

I'll leave you with some pictures of our little Cedric, which means battle chieftain by the way.

And the Due Date is…

August 20th has been set as the day this baby will enter the world.

We had an ultrasound done at 36 weeks and his estimated weight was 8lbs 9oz. Even though this is just an estimate and can be off by as much as pound (plus or minus) the ultrasound technician could not believe how big he was and thought the error must be on her part, thus she measured him a number of times to double check. When my doctor reviewed the results she scheduled a c-section for me on August 20, which is the start of week 39. Some women would be disappointed, perhaps even feel that a natural delivery was being robbed of them. I am not one of those women.

Plus I feel like there are plenty of other indicators that a natural delivery would not only be difficult but a long time in coming. For instance, even though he is head down most of the time, he still likes to try and squirm his way into the traverse breach position. Even though I am now starting my 38th week, at my last visit I was not even a centimeter dilated and the doctor was able to push the baby out of my pelvis pretty easily. At least for now, he is not interested in making an exit any time soon. Most of all though, I have no desire to push out a child that is 9lbs pushing 10lbs. If that makes me weak or a coward than I am ready to admit it.

Borrowed Goods

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."   I Corinthians 6: 19-20.

My entry today is inspired from a sermon I heard yesterday about the gift of our physical bodies. The message that our bodies are a God given gift hit particularly close to home because of my pregnancy (34 weeks today). Being pregnant has been the most challenging thing my body has ever done, and from what I understand this has all just been a grand prelude to labor. I hear many women speak with awe and reverence when reflecting on their pregnancies. Statements like, "It was the best time of my life," "I loved being pregnant," "Its the most amazing thing to ever happen to you" are not uncommon. I must confess that I've felt a bit odd that my own emotions about my pregnancy have not been similar to these joyous overtones. My pregnancy has been very easy and smooth - I have no complaints. But the changes that have occurred to my body have been so dramatic, I more often feel shocked by pregnancy than amazed and I certainly would not call it the best time of my life.

Let's be honest, going from this...

to this in 23 weeks is dramatic.

Being reminded that my physical body is a gift, that its not even really my own, but just borrowed goods was very encouraging. It helped me to put this whole process in perspective. So pregnancy has left my body stretched and pulled in ways I never would have believed, but its OK because this is God's body anyways. He designed it to be able to endure pregnancy and even if I never look just like I did, it doesn't make my body any less valuable to God. I haven't loved everything that pregnancy has done to my body but I'm not going to beat myself up over my physical appearance, and I'm not going to beat myself up over not being overjoyed about pregnancy. But I will give praise and respect to God as my maker and creator because of what he has enabled my physical body to do.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139: 14